Here's Bruce!

(Post #8) Managing lessons

Enough pausing! And because some of you are now getting personal (like calling me lazy) here's today's post.

A lot of people have been asking me for some managing advise, so I compiled a few hints just for you. This is it.

Take some 3 minutes a day and focus on these principles. Forget about that yoga shit. This is really what it matters:

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies."Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered:"Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird d singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Hope you enjoyed it. There are some lessons on DVD left. Home teaching can also be arranged, but a picture is required to be sent before classes start.

(Post #7) Pausa

Deus, dona mihi serenitatem accipere res quae non possum mutare, fortitudinem mutare res quae possum, atque sapientiam differentiam cognoscere.

Saint Francis of Assisi

(Post #6) Jovens de outrora II

Ainda nao refeito da martelada sentimentalista da parte I deste post, resolvi voltar a carga! Ja tinha visto algo semelhante, mas com capas de completos desconhecidos.

Resovi aproveitar o conceito (nesta era nada se ganha, nada se perde, tudo se copia) e apresentar-vos uma compilacao daquilo que pessoalmente considero as mais javardas capas de discos de todos os tempos. Desta vez com conhecidos!

Ei-las:

De seguida, a minha favorita, embora se aceitem outras opinioes :)

Get the flock out of here!

(Post #5) Insane conversations

(conversation over IM)

Me: where's that SAN managed from ?

GD: you can manage from mgeadmin I think

Me: ok

Me: thx a lot

GD: Not a problem

GD: You are a good Frango

(Post #4) Precisa-se: Comida decente

Tenho foooooome!

Se tivesse almocado em condicoes ainda nao teria fome. Mas nao. Comi uma sandes de fiambre. Alguem ja me disse que o meu corpo nao se mantem com uma sandes, mas tambem, as alternativas tiram o apetite a qualquer um. Senao vejamos, eis os manjares que estavam a minha espera la em baixo na cantina:

- Cottage Pie (Tarte de carne mastigada, deslavada, muitas vezes acompanhada de ervilhas)
- Roast beef with mash (Parecido com a nossa carne assada, mas sem tempero, acompanhada de pure. O sabor adicional vem dumas horriveis bolas de gravy colocadas a parte e o pure sabe a esferovite. Esta gente nao sabe que os temperos devem estar presentes desde o inicio da confeccao e nao adicionado a posteriori?)
- Salmon (O peixito ate nem e mau, mas pra variar, e cozido sem tempero. O acompanhamento? Batatas e milho cozido)

Ora venha de la uma sandes de fiambre e queijo e um sumo de laranja. (Nunca esperem comida sem surpresas: o queijo era fumado, e como sabia a cinzeiro foi fora, claro.)

E nao me venham ca com a treta de que “quem sabe fazer comer desenrasca-se sempre”. Da ultima vez que me arrependi de acreditar nisso, o prato principal quanto muito so servia para sobremesa. Alguem comprou compota por pimentao. Alguem besuntou o frango com compota e o levou ao forno. Obviamente que alguem teve que jogar o frango pro lixo!

E nao e so isso. Os companheiros repatriados saberao concerteza do que estou a falar. Um gajo vai ao Asda ou ao Tesco (cadeias locais de hipermercados, equivalentes prai ao Continente ou Modelo) e ve-se grego para achar peixe em condicoes, o que nao deixa de ser estranho, considerando que vivemos numa ilha. Cada vez que quero comprar uns carapaus tenho que ir ao Smelly Alley (maiusculas porque se trata de um nome, e sim, chama-se mesmo assim, por razoes obvias).

Temperar? Alguns dos nossos temperos (que damos por garantidos) sao dificeis de encontrar e por vezes so se apanham nas seccoes do tipo “World Foods” que significa “Coisas esquisitas que so povos esquisitos comem”. Nao faz mal: ja comecei a plantar salsa no quintal! Ah! E nao se encontra sal grosso! Estao a ver o que se obtem quando se tempera comida com sal refinado.

Uma coisa tao simples como ir ao vinagre pode revelar-se uma autentica aventura, visto que existem dezenas de tipos e marcas diferentes (vinagre de malte, destilado, de vinho, de cidra, vinagre disto e daquilo, desta marca ou daquela, mild, strong). So pra terem uma ideia, so agora, 3 tentativas falhas depois, atinei com o mais proximo do que e o vinagre que se compra comummente ai em qualquer mercearia de esquina.

Ate um cachorro pode ser mortal. Aparentemente nao havia nada de errado com as salsichas. A mostarda? (considerando que aquilo que comprei era mostarda) Ia-me matando. Eu ate nem sou muito sensivel com picantes, mas aquilo devia ser um cruzamento qualquer de malagueta brava super-hiper-concentrada com nitroglicerina e bolas de naftalina. A raspar nas paredes quase que arranquei a pele da lingua.

Bebem que nem caes, por isso nao se encontram latas de cerveja de 33cl. O pequeno para eles e meio litro.

Pao (pelo menos parecido) como o portugues? Nepia.

E depois ha ainda o grupo das coisas que nao se percebe o que sao e ninguem consegue explicar. Como marmite. Que diabo e marmite??? E quem e que come aquilo?

Enfim… nao admira que negocios como o Nando's, que ate nem fazem um frango assado por ai alem, proliferem desalmadamente. Vou ali ao McDonald's ja venho.

(Post #3) Jovens de outrora

Para aqueles que, como eu, de vez em quando se auto flagelam com chicotadas nostalgicas, experimentem visitar este site ou ler o post n. 96 d'O Eldorado. Nao recomendado a saudosistas sensiveis ou muito choroes.

(Gaiatagem abaixo dos 25: don't bother. Nao iam perceber mesmo.)